Last night I never slept. I felt like that kid that wanted Christmas to come in the morning. I woke at 11:20 with the feeling that I had been sleeping for hours. The 1, then 3 and then god only knows how many times until I finally got up at 6:59am.
Today is the 12-week scan since the implantation and IVF process. It’s 3D so we never had that when I had my first son 30-years earlier. This is the scan that tells you everything is going to be fine. They measure fingers, toes the lot. I can’t wait.
We are still in Tbilisi as we wanted to stay until the final 12—weeks had passed. Finally, we arrive at the hospital and it is all casual and relaxed as ever. Appointments are all done via Viber or Facebook but it feels easier than the rigidity of back home in the U.K.
We are first in; my wife lies back and the doctor starts her scan. There is a huge screen in front of me and from the moment the scan starts the bay is as clear as can be live on screen. And then the audio comes on. The heart beats so loud I feel very tearful with happiness, it just feels amazing.
After the scan a blood test and then we go and see our specialists upstairs – Keti!
She has been great from start to finish. She confirms every looks as perfect as it can look but at the same time offers multiple tests where results cannot be guaranteed but she says are worth having anyway. We decline most and that is it. We are done with the hospital here and now it’s time to fly back home in a week or so.
What a ride it’s been. For my wife stressful with endless injections, tablets and more. Imagine having to inject yourself in the hip every day at 7am for 12-weeks? As a man, you know I couldn’t do it and probably neither could you. And then pessaries, other tablets and more. It just went on and on.
But today it all finished and that itself feels really good for my wife.
But this is a blog for older dads or fathers so I want to share how it feels for me at 55 being here today and seeing all of this taking place.
I find it hard to explain.
First, it feels like having a baby has become a scientific process where everything can be measured, tested and refined. I am not saying that is a bad thing I am simply saying it doesn’t feel as natural yet … I am happy to have been through it because if we didn’t go through it I don’t think we would have had our 12-week old baby on the screen today. There is a lot of available information now and it can feel like too many choices and too many gloomy possibilities being endlessly spoken about and offer – just in case!
Second, some people will say I am doing it all over again. I don’t live my life like that. For me life is a continuum that carries through until the end. That includes experiences of all kinds and that includes the arrivals of my fifth child in my fifties.
I feel a rush, I feel excited I feel every emotion I can write and not write here. This feels like something incredible has taken place and is going to take place. Life feels wonderful and I can only feel a rush of new life and more passion and enthusiasm than I had before this.
Being a dad again in my fifties as far as I am concerned has no issues as being a dad for the first time in my twenties.
I can’t wait and after hearing that heartbeat and seeing the scan today I feel more excited than ever.
The Old Dad,
Alan Forrest Smith
Please leave a comment below I’d love to know your experiences.